Help Kids Do Hard Things: A Balanced Approach to Emotional Support

We all want the kids in our lives to be resilient. But there are a variety of ways that we try to help kids do hard things.

The “Buck Up” Approach

Many of us grew up in environments where feelings weren’t valued. We were taught to be tough and strong and to “buck up” when things got hard. Our parents, caregivers and educators were often taught the same approach in their childhoods. Consequently, generations of ignoring and suppressing feelings have led our current generation of educators, parents, and counselors to be unsure of what to do with the expression of emotions, especially negative ones. Many who grew up in a “buck up” mentality have continued the same approach in parenting and education. They are tough on students and their own kids and employ the same “buck up” mentality with themselves.

The “Bubble Wrap” Approach

Others have taken the opposite approach and have become very invested in children having positive feelings. They make accommodations, allow kids to get out of hard tasks and make great effort to keep kids emotionally comfortable. I call this the “bubble wrap” approach. In the “bubble wrap” approach, there is a fear of kids struggling and when kids do hit an emotional bump, the trigger is often removed so kids don’t have to feel the negative effects. While there is short-term emotional relief in this approach, the long-term consequences is that kids can’t develop resilience.

While both the “buck up” and “bubble wrap” approaches are rooted in good intentions, they both fail to help kids acknowledge emotions and do hard things. The “buck up” approach ignores emotions. The “bubble wrap” approach removes hard things. Neither approach is ideal. Instead, I recommend a “scaffolding approach” which supports kids emotionally in doing hard things.

Help Kids Do Hard Things with the Scaffolding Approach

Let’s look at the differences in the messages below:

• BUCK UP: Get over it.
• BUBBLE WRAP: I’ll take care of it.
• SCAFFOLDING: You can do it.

 

• BUCK UP: It’s not a big deal.
• BUBBLE WRAP: It may be too hard.
• SCAFFOLDING: I believe in you.

 

• BUCK UP: Stop crying.
• BUBBLE WRAP: You don’t have to go.
• SCAFFOLDING: How can I support you?

The scaffolding approach gives kids the support they need to overcome the challenges of childhood. As children walk through life, they are supported by caring educators, counselors, and parents. They are still expected to do hard things, but the messages they hear from adults include three components:

• Empathy and recognition of feelings
• Maintaining boundaries
• Teaching a coping strategy and/or making a plan

The scaffolding approach provides the ability for kids to do hard things, and build confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth while still under the roofs of our homes and schools—well within our primary window of contact.

The scaffolding approach helps kids do hard things with empathy. We never want to keep kids from doing hard things because only through accomplishing hard things repeatedly will they gain the confidence they need to do hard things while managing their feelings.